Carry On...for Charlie

In a week's time it'll marked one year since you've gone, Charlie, and there's been only a handful of days where I've realised I didn't think of you (usually the day after). It feels wrong to not think of you, out of fear that forgetting you would mean that your life meant nothing - which is why I'm frequently in tears when I do think about you. I know if you knew that it would make you sad but it still hurts to think you're no longer here, leading to a very conflicted mind.

I'm doing my best to carry on, like I promised I would - all I seem to feel is that I'm failing you and myself. I said I'd do better, become a better person; not that I was ever a bad person but always fell into the trap of procrastinating the stuff that could turn good to great. To upgrade this version of myself into someone that you'd be proud of but maybe it comes from the fact that I feel I need others' validation because I don't feel I'm enough.

I know if I let the pain subside and remember the good times it'd make things easier but letting go has always been difficult for me. I can't explain why this hurts so bad; maybe because I had contemplated suicide and having my battles with mental health, maybe because we grew up together and you were my first "crush", maybe because you felt unable to take to anybody about your struggles. It saddens me to think such a beautiful soul went too soon.

I'll be going to Belgium on your first anniversary by Eurostar which seems appropriate since we both love to travel. I'll be sure to say a little prayer wishing you're at peace now; reminiscing over when I said I choose to remember you when we were young and our happy chappy.

I'm working on improving my self esteem so I can be confident and happy in my own skin. I'm not after a quick fix as I feel they never last but anxiously preparing myself for the long run.

I miss you Charlie, thank you for being my best friend growing up and for always being by my side.